Is Tupac Alive?

Some people believe that Tupac Shakur was killed in a 1996 Las Vegas drive by shooting, while others are convinced that he faked his own death as part of an intergalactic conspiracy involving the Pope, Barack Obama, Colonel Sanders, and John Stamos.

Well—everyone’s wrong… and right… and wrong again… and right one more time.

So what really happened?

Tupac Shakur did in fact fake his own death in 1996—three years after his actual death in 1993, and five years after creating 77 Tupac clones in 1991, all of whom formed a secret society with Steven Spielberg, George W. Bush, Dave Thomas, and Bob Saget in 1992, killed the real Tupac in January of 1993, developed morph technology with the help of a group of hip-hop obsessed aliens in March, morphed one of the Tupac clones into a Sean “Puffy” Combs look-alike that same month, kidnapped the real Puffy in April, and started the Grade Seven East Coast-West Coast hip hop feud shortly thereafter.

How do I know?

How could you not know!?

It’s all spelled out for us just about everywhere on the planet!

Take the phone number 867-5309. The number eight contains two circles—as in 2 Pac. Six is the six in 1996—the year of Tupac’s fake death. Seven has absolutely no significance whatsoever. It’s basically filler—just like the filler on most modern commercial rap albums. In fact, in a way, seven is actually criticism of the sad state of modern day hip-hop. (Damn that Tupac is clever!) Five is the number of years between Tupac’s cloning and his fake death. Three is the number of years between his actual death and his fake death. Zero is the number of Steven Spielberg, George W. Bush, Dave Thomas, and Bob Saget references on his album Me Against the World. And nine is um… uh… let’s see… nine is the seventh number in 867-5309, as in the 7 in 867-5309.

Or how about Genesis Chapter One Verse One: “In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth?” The “beginning” is the beginning of the end—as in Tupac’s death in 1993. “God” is Tupac. (Obviously) “Created” refers to the 77 created Tupac clones who killed the real Tupac. Heaven refers to the ascension of Tupac’s soul. And earth is um… uh… let’s see… earth is the planet Tupac moved to in 1988. (Don’t ask.)

There are Tupac clues all over the place—from Baskin Robbins’ 31 Flavors to Will Rogers’s Route 66.

In fact, just about everywhere I look, I see Tupac clues. And I’m really starting to get sick of it!

Sometimes I wish that Tupac would just leave me alone.

OK—you cloned yourself, died, and faked your death.

I get it. I don’t need you to remind me about it a hundred times a day.

Just once, I’d like to make a grilled cheese sandwich or watch the Dukes of Hazzard without coming across yet another Tupac clue telling me something I already